Living Life #21 "Brushing My Teeth"

(a collection of independent vignettes)

Photo by Alex on Unsplash

Morning and night, it is all the same.

Day in, night out. At sunrise, I don’t turn the light on. Sleep still has its hold on my eyes and even though my body is moving I feel like I’m still in a dream. Did I ever really wake up? The reflection in the mirror doesn’t answer. All she does is stare back at me as I pick up my toothbrush.

Day in, night out. At sunset, I turn the light on but sometimes… bad times… I leave the bathroom dark. I can taste the fluoride without needing to see. In those bad times, it’s too much to stare back at her. In the same spot again. She is always tired. Day in, night out. Always with traces of sleep leaving or coming. Exhaustion never leaves us alone.

I can’t speak for her but why don’t you leave me alone?

Is it because it’s pointless doing this same routine over and over? Does the other me know and that is why she tries to show me how tired I am? Do I work too hard? Or is it never enough? Is that sadness just wearing a disguise in the droop of her eyes?

Do you find me Exhaustion because I am alone?

Maybe I’m just tired of brushing my teeth. Everyday it’s all the same. Morning and night.

Living Life #20 "How Far"

(a collection of independent vignettes)

Photo by Eugene Triguba on Unsplash

Jenna didn’t know how this night was going to go.

Headlights appeared over the bend of the hill. Glaring and warning they careened off the low hanging branches of the trees and the concrete cracks in the road. When they reached the tombstones Jenna ducked low. But only when they reached the tombstones.

“I’m sick of doing this at night.” she hissed to the weeping statue of an angel next to her.

The angel answered, “As if we can do this in bright daylight.” Or at least it had the appearance of such before Jared stepped out into the dark. Dirt up to his knees, boots scuffed to his socks, and a scowl to scare a bear away. Her brother needed to take a chill pill.

“Well…” she drawled. “There have been dealings before when the sun was up too, ya know…”

“Yeah, as well as the rest of the world.” He pulled a pack from his pocket and in the next breath there was a cigarette already up and lit and in his mouth.

“People visit cemeteries.” Jenna argued haughtily.

“Not private ones…” Smoke snaked up into the night. “when they don’t have permission.” His footsteps made barely a sound as they crossed the grass over to her.

“Are you sure this one’s information is good?”

“We can trust him. He’s not one to go back on his word, and besides…” he flicked an ash at the fresh mound of earth next to the angel. “our end of the bargain is done.”

“My end.” Jenna looked down at her own hands, all smudged and grungy, and she wondered when the last time her fingernails had actually been clean. “You really shouldn’t smoke.”

Another set of headlights rolled down the road, only this time they scoped slow and steady, and eventually stopped as the bright shine hit the marble of the tombs. Finally.

Jared took a long drag, and responded, “It’s not like it can hurt me.”

Right now.” she hissed.

Jenna didn’t know how this night was going to go. What she did know was how far she would go. No matter how much they bickered, no matter how different their attitudes or ways of dealing with the world she knew how far she would go for her brother.

All the damn way. And back, if she had to.

As the man emerged from his car, Jenna came out of her hiding spot.

“I didn’t think you would actually come alone.” The gruff man barked, his headlights illuminating the slop on his shirt and the acne on his neck.

Jenna hardened her jaw. She was told that whenever she was in a bad mood that she scowled just like her brother. “I keep my word.” Jared took two pointed steps forward, though Jenna knew her brother was protective there was no way for him to protect her now.

At least not until this man told her what she needed to get him back from the other side. “Now you keep yours.”

"A New Year's Poem"

New year,
new me
so they say.
But now it’s January
and it’s still
the old me today.

Red solo cups
lying on the floor.
Curtains drawn open
to the rain
knocking on my door.

Another year gone
another day’s dawn.

But then
you
place a hand
on my shoulder.

Another year gone,
another year older.
I grip you back,
a bit bolder.

And then
I realize.
I’ve changed,
after all.

Snapshot 12/31/19 // Learning From the Risks and Rewards of 2019, and Anticipating the Roaring 20's Ahead

Currently listening: “Meet Me In the Woods“- Lord Huron /
New Year’s Day“- Taylor Swift
Currently watching: The Office S3/ Shameless S4
Currently playing: Sims 4
Will be (re)reading: The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

2019 is over.

It was a terrible, wonderful, weird and life changing year. I switched jobs, got super sick, then got super healthy, and grew a lot (A LOT) I believe as a person in 2019. I certainly feel different at least. December was a culmination of everything 2019 was: terrible, wonderful, weird and life changing. Let’s take a look at those goals shall we?

December Goals:

  1. Research, research, research! Check. I didn’t do an enormous amount on my WIP but I did a decent job (which will continue into the new year…. spoiler alert lol).
  2. Post 2 Living Life vignettes this month. Check.
  3. Redesign my website a bit. Check. I did a little of this and am going to be laying it out in January so be on the look out for some changes to my blog!
  4. Play my violin more. Check, check! I played more than I did in November!

So overall December was very successful! 2019, though challenging, was also kinda… fun. I risked and (thankfully) was rewarded. I met a lot of new people, learned a lot of new things, and discovered a lot about myself. Now let us head into 2020….

2020 Goals Heading into January (aka the ROARING 20’S ARE BACK BABY):

  1. Research, research, research! Again I’m putting this one on because this month I intend to finish all. the. research. for that pesky WIP. That way I can move onto outlining, and then finally WRITING. The BEST (and hardest) part. This baby step will help me to reach one of my ultimate 2020 resolutions to FINALLY finish that first draft.
  2. Plan a steadier posting schedule! That way I can get a routine down for myself and for all the lovely viewers out there kind enough to listen to my rambles and read my stories.
  3. Enact redesigning the site! I’ve planned, and I’ve got some more planning to do but I hope to show the changes by the end of this January.

Christmas has come and gone.
My food coma is growing strong.
Cleaning up my room is taking too long.
BUT, all is okay.

I got to see the Rockefeller Christmas Tree (which was wonderful and brought me so much joy) AND the new Little Women movie all in the same month. Just a small PSA. EVERYONE NEEDS TO SEE THIS MOVIE. IT IS BEYOND AMAZING AND I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT.

Okay I’m done. But really you need to go see it. Now.

What I Read:

Clockwork Princess by Cassandra Clare. What can I say about this book. That it ruined romance for me? Yes, because no boy alive can compare to Will Herondale or James Carstairs. Not to mention that Tessa is just so relatable. I love this book. I will love this series till the day I die. It mesmerized me for years, ever since the summer before I started college when I first read Clockwork Angel. It shaped a lot of who I became, and it always seemed to fit with whatever was going on with my life at the time. Will loved to read, Jem loved the violin, Charlotte reminded me of my Aunt, Henry my Uncle. It got me through so many hard times. This series is one of my tops and though I enjoy a lot of books not many make it to the top. I love it so much I think I won’t read it again for a very long time. That way it will sort of seem like new again.
One Day in December by Josie Silver. Fun, romantic read that I enjoyed. Definitely more of an adult book, and not very young adult. Modern, contemporary story about love at first sight and fate and chances taken and chances NOT taken. It did lag though at some points but it always picked up. Reminded me of the play If/Then with Idina Menzel that I was fortunate enough to see. It also reminded me of Sleepless in Seattle a bit at the end with the (SPOILERS) radio and Laurie calling in to speak to Jack. Everyone knows a person like Sarah who is stardust incarnate. Jack was agreeable. Laurie was very relatable, quiet and just trying to get through life like the rest of us. Enjoyed it very much though. Not gonna lie I also really liked Oscar, and his whole personality and spiel. Recommend if your looking for a December romance read.
The Nutcracker by E.T.A. Hoffmann with illustrations by Sanna Annukka: A classic, I’ve wanted to read this story for years because every Christmas I always watch the ballet on Youtube so I wanted to know where the original story originated from. Not disappointed. I really enjoyed it, and it is very much a fairytale. Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Anderson vibes. I am going to try to integrate it as a book to reread every year. PICTURES IN THIS EDITION ARE GORGEOUS. Overall, it is a quick, lovely Christmas read.
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo is one I’m sorta reading right now. Here and there. I’m enjoying it! It is inspiring me to clean my room…

Aaaaand drumroll please…… tomorrow I will be starting my reread of….

oh yessssss THE GREAT GATSBY! I’m so excited. It is finally the return of the Roaring 20’s!!!!!

What I’ll Be Writing:

  • Living Life vignettes
  • (moody) Poetry
  • Monthly Snapshot! post
  • and who knows… maybe some surprises?

My Round Up of December Posts:

Alright 2020… I think I’m ready. Bring on the downs, the ups and all the screams of fear and excitement for the roller coaster ride you’ll be. I’m ready to ride.

What are some of your resolutions this year? I’d love to talk in the comments!

Till next time,

Living Life #19 "Eggnog"

(a collection of independent vignettes)

Photo by Drew Coffman on Unsplash

She could see the bottom of the glass once again. Twirling it in her hand, the bare remnants of froth shifted from one side to the other. It looked like the melted snow outside, when in reality it was the dregs of a third glass of eggnog.

“Poor me.” she laughed. Unsteady and a little sick, the woman rose from the armchair by the dying fire. Its crackling was almost silent since it was now midnight. First a chair and then the table got in her path but through determination and reckless luck she made her way back to the counter where the punch bowl was waiting.

One ladle, two ladles, and another half. Now her glass was full once again.

Even though she was not.

“Merry Christmas to me.” she breathed, and downed the fourth glass. Maybe this time it would fill her up.

"The Winter Wolf"

Photo by Neil Rosenstech on Unsplash

Tip toeing
and slowly going
the hunter arrives.

Slow breathing
with fangs teething
quietly the prey lies.

The wood at night
and only the moon’s light
makes for no fun.

Cold nips at their face
tracks left without trace.
Must remember how to run.

For the wind, one ear
the other for anything else near
the wolf shall wait.

The hunter knows no place,
tracking his victims case
by case, guided by fate.

Then, they see each other.
Willed by our Earth mother
in playing this game again.

With each year’s going
the seasons’ sowing
the fight animal and humane.

The wolf growls
and the hunters bows,
hitching the arrow.

The wolf leaps
and the hunter reaps
the last of winter’s sorrow.

Blood on the snow
melts red and slow
So spring will return
once more.

Living Life # 18 "Decorating The Tree"

( a collection of independent vignettes)

The tree was taller than she was. Green as the forest in summer beyond her backyard and as prickly as the thorns on the dead bouquet in the vase on the counter. Tooth and nail it dragged through the back door leaving a trail of needles like gingerbread cookie crumbs right to the far corner of the living room. It did not come easy, but she didn’t back down. Not even as she had to hoist it into the stand with only minimal help from the wall.

A stepladder was necessary for the lights, and even though there was no one there to help she took her time. The stool danced around the wood floor and the lights were placed string by string until it was her feet waltzing around the ground instead. The cord was gently plugged in and then the house seemed a little brighter, the fir now lit up like a star. The tree warmed up to her a bit then. But only just a bit.

The red beads were next, and then the gold tinsel. The tree certainly wasn’t going to bend for her but she didn’t need it too. She rose to meet it again and again, and swayed around and around. The fire in the background crackled and snarled but it was only empty threats. The light emanating from the small space was too golden and too warming to be anything but a sarcastic friend. Being inside, the tree realized, was a lot different than being outside. A little more snug and a little less lonely.

It paid no mind to the silver bells she planted along its branches, and the red ornaments felt as light as air as if they were barely there. The rest that were piled on were mismatched and worn. A little blue sled with the year 1982 scribbled on the bottom, a fading snowman with two buttons missing, eight bronze deer then four gold ones and a rocking horse no bigger than her palm. Before long all the spaces were filled and instead of feeling weighted and tired the tree noticed the perk to its branches in the mirror across the room. Maybe it should have been a little nicer to her on the way in. She had plucked it out of the solitude of the harsh winter wind, gifted it a steady stream of water and shelter, then given it decorations to cloth and adorn it. The tree liked her a bit more than it had before, making its emotions swell now to twice what they had been.

A drop of sweat like a melted snowflake slid down her temple, and the tree could see she was tired. She absently moved to put her hand down on the end table nearby and the tree wanted to warn her but it had no mouth to speak.

When the glass shattered, it was loud. The wit of the fire was drowned, and the glow of white lights on the tree’s branches left her eyes. Quietly, the young woman bent down and as she kneeled careful of the broken bits, she looked much smaller than she had when she originally hauled the tree in. More like a girl, left alone in a house, with a few modest lights and threadbare ornaments that really didn’t matter much if one thought about it, unless they were reflected in her eyes.

The picture was face up on the floor, but in the shadow of where the lights couldn’t reach. Piece by piece and sliver by sliver she picked the edges up, cupping her hand to her chest. The picture, still in the frame, was last. Another tiny snowflake ran down her cheek, but the tree knew there were was no sky above their heads. She took a deep breath and in the next moment she rose and walked away. A minute passed, and then two. The tree wondered if maybe it should have at least tried to warn her, though it had no means to speak words. But then, she came back. And she wasn’t alone.

There was petite angel cupped in her hands where the glass had just been.

The stool made its return, and with the fire cackling quietly in the background, she rose one step then another. Even then though she could barely reach the top. An inch more of height and everything would have been okay. She didn’t have that inch though, so the tree gave her the inch instead.

With all its might it buckled its trunk and the young woman stretched her toes until finally then the angel was set on top. Blonde hair, white gown, a happy mouth and golden wings graced the room.

The young woman stepped down from the stool, and that’s when tree liked her most of all with the lights in her eyes, the fir needles in her hair and the angel in her smile.

Snapshot 11/30/19 // Stuffed From Stuffing (& Starving for Gingerbread)

Currently listening: “The Christmas Song“- Nat King Cole
Currently watching: Friends S10
Currently (re) reading: Clockwork Princess by Cassandra Clare
Currently playing: Sims 4

November, November
you passed so fast
I want to remember
each memory to the last

November always goes by too fast for me. Thanksgiving, the bitter cold days seeping in, and the random warm days that trick you into believing summer will be back soon. Also, NaNoWriMo. This month always reminds me of writing and pumpkin bread and stuffing. Gosh, I love stuffing.

My November goals were:

  1. Write 25,000 words for my WIP. That was a failure, but a failure I am very proud of. By setting my goal to work on the story I found out exactly what was wrong with it and why I was struggling so much with it. It needed to be expanded upon. I need more information and to do more research (which I’m doing now). The original WIP I intended to write for NaNo was just a small cog in the machine of a trilogy that this story is turning into and I am so excited.
  2. Post at least 1 Living Life vignette again this month. I did do this one.
(smirk)

December goals (and candy canes, not coals):

  1. Research, research, research! I’m going to keep digging down deep into the black void of the internet for this new expanded WIP. If I don’t come back you know what happened lol.
  2. Post 2 Living Life vignettes this month. I think I can do this. So I’ll put it on here.
  3. Redesign my website a bit. I’ve been meaning to update somethings and move a few bits around. So, why not now. The present is always the best time to do something. That way it will look better for 2020 too.
  4. Play my violin more. I’ve been neglecting my beloved instrument because of work and laziness which is no excuse. I’m actively going to try to practice more this month.

Also can I just say I love Christmas so much. I’m just gonna throw that out there so be prepared for many holiday themed vignettes and poems. I’m warning you they. are. coming.

Also I had a great dream where I got to co-write a book with Maggie Stiefvater. I wish that would really happen omg. Just throwing that out there universe, if you are listening. I also got the opportunity to see Frozen 2 on its opening night. Let me just tell you guys I loved this movie so much. If you loved the first one you definitely need to see the second. It doesn’t try to upstage the first movie at all but continue it on, if that makes sense, and the music and growth of all the characters is just fantastic. (SPOILERS AHEAD) I loved the scene of Elsa fighting the Nokk and the song, Show Yourself, is also BEAUTIFUL. Elsa shows that she only needs herself to be complete and that is the absolute truth. Romance and partnership is perpetuated in society as something that we all need to feel “complete” and “loved” but all you really need to feel those things is to be yourself and love yourself. Just like Elsa, who knew she was different and fought it until she decided to accept herself and her powers and ultimately find the greatest happiness within herself. Olaf was also hilarious AF and who doesn’t love Anna and Kristof 😀 It is said so much but it really is true, just BE YOU. Unapologetically, wholly, wonderfully, unforgivably YOU. That is the way to achieve the greatest sense of peace. THANK YOU DISNEY<3

What I Read:

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo. I… I loved this book. It was real, it was raw. I got SO attached to Alex and TOO attached to Darlington. Man. And Dawes, Dawes, Dawes and college me live on the same plane of existence. The magic was so real to me. The history and references in all of the tombs of the Ancient Eight, the privilege problem. My goodness this book. 100% worth the read and I can’t wait till the next. It’s not for everyone definitely (lots of heavy and traumatic topics are explored) but to me this book was excellent in how in handled everything. The right amount of dark side without becoming depressing and all this magic so grounded in reality. I- dang. Five stars, hands down.
All the Crooked Saints by Maggie Stiefvater. I really enjoyed this book and all the magical realismness (is that a word?) with the personifications of the character’s darknesses, and how they overcame them. It’s an atmospheric, simple story with a very important lesson. When the characters’ darknesses manifest that is the first miracle, and the second miracle will occur when the character knows how to overcome their darknesses. The magical realism in this book is very well done. Maggie always does a great job in all her books of making magic seem touchable. Daniel was my favorite character but all of the cast was real and alive. I recommend reading it!
Clockwork Princess by Cassandra Clare. This is my favorite series of books of all time. This is my sixth read through of Clockwork Princess and it won’t be the last. We all have those books that we will never, ever grow tired of. No matter how many times we read them. The Infernal Devices are my books. What does Tessa say? “‘Words have the power to change us.‘” Yes, yes they do.

What I’ll Be Writing:

  1. Living Life vignettes
  2. Holiday poetry (joy to the world, you lucky lot lol)
  3. WIP snippets
  4. Monthly Snapshot! post

As promised last month here is a snippet from my WIP:

Rue scowled. “I don’t like you.”
“The feeling is mutual.” Evans replied.

Haha, yes short and sweet but I kept my promise 😉

Some posts I enjoyed this month:

My round up of November posts:

Bring on the holiday cheer December, you are the only think that is going to keep me going till summer is here again. I wish you all lots of hot chocolate, thoughtful presents, great company and happy holidays to come!!

How were all your Novembers? (Do they go by as fast as mine?) What are the books that you will never tire of (that are part of your soul)? I’d love to hear about them!

Till next time,

Living Life #17 “________”

(a collection of independent vignettes)

Tick, tock.

You stare at it. The longer you look the more it looks back into you.

The more you start to hate yourself for all the time you are wasting. And have wasted in the long, endless days before.

All the research and all the work and long nights, and eons spent typing away at the computer. all. for. nothing.

Because everything you had written, you now hate. And so you are back at the beginning again.

The dreaded blank page.

And time is rushing by.

Tick, tock.