Living Life #13 “Déjà Vu”

(a collection of independent vignettes)

I know you.

My sneakers skidded to a stop in the street. A drum was beating in my chest and a shiver screamed down my spine. It didn’t matter that the sun was blazing down from high above because my body had suddenly run bitterly cold.

I know you.

It hit me right in the face from all the way across the street where you were. Sitting outside the very coffee shop I was nearly on my way to. You didn’t even look up and silently I thanked my lucky stars.

Though was I really lucky that they had let me get this far?

I wish I had realized it sooner. But in all fairness, I’m glad I realized it at all. Years had blown by my mind all in the matter of a single glance, just across the street. Why now? Why? Why?

Fate you’re cruel.

A few months ago, I noticed you at the table across from me. You were just sipping your coffee and I had been minding my own business. But then I saw you the next week, and the week after that. Kind words passed between us when your order accidentally got mixed up with mine. You said hi to me the next time we crossed paths and then goodbye a few days later.

You even told me a story about your job. You looked so happy and so passionate and I was so stupid. I got a crush. A crush. The perfect word for a terrible thing. I wanted to crush your mouth against mine and now I want to crush the bones in your body.

But that’s just me trying to get a handle on the feelings turning my blood to ice. You were just being nice. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself.

Stealing my sleep at night, distracting me at work, turning my brain to goo when all you did was walk by my table on your way to the restroom. Good God. You probably didn’t even know how much I liked you.

So many years have passed, you most assuredly don’t remember me. Not from back then. It was ten years ago, when high school was right around my corner and college was the next step for you. I was chubby and small, nothing worthy of a near senior. I saw you at a party that I just happened to be at by accident. I was hanging out with a friend whose name I don’t even remember now, and her older sister was having a a few friends over. And there you were.

I know you.

Even then I gave you gaga eyes and stared. I looked right at you. You did not look at me. Then I watched as another girl walked right up to you and you squeezed your arm tightly around her. All alone in your own world. That’s when I ran upstairs to hide.

I stole another look across the street and there it was glimmering in the stupid heat from the sun. I never noticed the ring, but now it’s all I see. Stupid, stupid me… I never even thought to check before.

You still have the same face. The same tan. The same laugh that fills the air. No wonder I saw you from across the room. It was inevitable, but why?

My nails dug deep into my palms, but if they pushed any farther I might have started bleeding on the street. This stupid crush trying to tear me apart.

I pushed myself to put one foot in front of the other and I walked away from the heat, the cafe, you. You had no idea, thank God. The past belongs in the past. And from now on that is where you are going to stay.

I know you.

But why did it even have to happen at all?