March – Jai Lynn

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This post is late. Usually I am very on top of my updates, and to be honest, I almost didn’t come back to my computer to write this post. I thought why even try, you missed the opportunity. It’s already well into April (it’s the second as I am writing this paragraph if I am being real) but my brain had already resigned itself to the fact that I failed. I missed the opportunity to get my post in for the month. I am a terrible human being.

That is only a snippet of what perfectionism feels like.

If it’s not done properly why even do it at all. I am a failure.

For many years I have struggled with this mentality. It’s crippling, especially as of this March, where I barely had the energy to do much of anything. I thought at first it’s okay I just need to rest. It’s okay I’ll just do the bare minimum and the rest will come back later. This month is already written off as a joke, we will do better next time. That was midway through March.

But I didn’t do better. I fell again and then again. I spiraled to the point all I could do was stuff my face with whatever was in reach and then pace my house in anxiety of what I had gotten done and hadn’t gotten done that day. I hated myself, I lived in fear day after day of what new anxiety would come to punch me in the face. I lost time to useless thoughts that would chase me down again and again in the racetrack of my mind. Anxiety is a race that I can never win. Never. The thoughts always catch me. The race never ends. The only way to get out is to not get on the track at all.

The fact that you are reading this is a testament to me trying to change. I’m fighting back against the rough mental health month I have had. I am trying to be nice to myself. I’m trying to remember that bad times are just that, bad times and they are temporary. I am trying to be grateful for all the wonderful things in my life I do have. And I have many and many a blessing.

No, my life is not perfect. And that’s okay, that’s okay. I’m trying to rise above my anxiety and get better. In a healthy way. I am trying to pick myself up. That’s why this rambling post exists.

It’s not perfect. That’s okay. This is me trying again.

And that is what matters when for the past few weeks all I wanted to do was give up.

I did do a bit of writing at the beginning of this month and that is not for naught. I am still editing. I am still trying. I just need to stop getting in the way of myself and that is the personal journey I am on right now.

Nothing is perfect.

Until we meet again,

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(Currently still revising the first draft of TLS…..)

Currently listening: “Heart” – Sleeping at Last
Currently watching: Anne With An E S3
Currently playing: The World Ends With You: Final Remix
Currently reading: Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

Every year March usually passes by in the images of onion soup warming my belly to mashed potatoes cooking on the stove, wool coats turning into green hoodies and the brush of winter’s shadow thawing into spring light. Marches come and go in my mind as if they were vestibules in an office building, that middle bit sandwiched between the outside of February and the inside of April.

A lot happened this month. I started to take on more duties at work because of a recent promotion I received which means, even though it makes me sad to leave my old position, this new job is a lot more stable and beneficial for the long run. I got two rejections so far from the three writing submissions I made this month but that’s all part of the process. Then lastly, I got news of an appointment for my COVID vaccine. So life is continuing on. Steadily and also all at once.

My mood overall this month has been in constant flux ranging from utter despair to complete bliss. I think we all can agree we want this pandemic to be over and for life to go back to the way it was. Life will never go back to exactly how it was but because of this I want to believe all of us will be more grateful for all the opportunities to do things that will come in the future. A little gratitude and kindness goes a long way. Truly.

March Goals:

Make more mindful and healthy food choices! Check. I ate a lot better this month than I did last month. Love broccoli, might marry it one day.
Finish the middle bit of The Lowell Saga! Check, sorta. I plotted the middle bit and the ending, but didn’t get to writing the actual words. But at least I have a plan. That was better than the no plan I had before.
Find more focus in my life! Check, mostly. In March, I got my shit together in my work and writing lives. I have a plan for my writing life, & I have a stable job for my work life but my shit in my personal life is still a little unstable. It’s fine, everything is fine.

April (the month where the tulips bloom on my lawn) Goals:

Watch my sugar intake! I am a sugar addict. Give me Nutella and Ben & Jerry’s any day. (Like, legit I just tried Chubby Hubby this month and it is the greatest thing ever. Where has this been all my life??? I ate the whole thing in one day between lunch and dessert.) Which is not healthy lol. This month I’m looking to cut back on my sugar. I’ve got my caloric intake more under control since I didn’t binge eat at all this month despite my weird mood so I think this is the next small step I am going to take.
Work on The Lowell Saga! Just got to keep chugging. Finish that first draft. Hopefully start book 2 draft 1 in May. Crossing my fingers hardcore right now.

What I Read:

Fruits Basket v. 9 by Natsuki Takaya
Fruits Basket v. 10 by Natsuki Takaya
Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak
The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse by Charlie Mackesy. This is the most precious book in the world. My mom heard about it on the news and bought it for me right after she saw it. I love her so much and she could not have picked a more perfect book. I needed this book, badly. It’s a simple story but so full of wisdom, humanity and reminding us of what is truly important in life. Given the world we are currently living in, with all the loneliness and just overall negative feelings I know we are all currently or have been feeling, this book is the perfect antidote to boost you up. Five stars to infinity. I will read this over and over and over again. Ever word is important, every lesson unforgettable and every person should read this.
Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. I get it now, I understand why this book is so acclaimed. The writing just has that beautiful way of sucking you right into the story and making your turn page after page just to find out more with an important lesson on morality waiting at its ending. It’s not in a dramatic, horror story kind of way but in a wow-I’m-really-curious-to-see-where-this-is-going kind of way. The story poses a vivid picture in your mind, I had no trouble picturing the settings or anything and even though the main characters aren’t physically described in great detail I had a good mental picture of Kathy, Ruth and Tommy. I’m glad I read this book and I did connect with the really human aspects it paints and the moral lesson it teaches. I won’t spoil the story by telling you the lesson. Honestly for it to be fully understood you need to read the book 😉
Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater. Maggie is one of my favorite authors of all time but I had been hesitant for a while to go back and read her earlier things. The Raven Boys was my first foray into her world and I thought nothing could compare to the beauty of the Gangsy… until I happened to pick up The Scorpio Races, and that redefined my life once again. The Wolves of Mercy Falls was her debut series and after beating around the bush for a bit I finally decided to go for it. It definitely has the tells of a first novel but the story is there and I felt it. Longing and yearning were central themes throughout the book and I really felt it. Like that was 100% the mood I was needing at the time I read it. Occasionally though, I did think the love story between Sam and Grace took up too much time but also it is their story so (*shrugs*), like, I get it. But that bookstore scene (if you’ve read it you’ll know what I mean) has marked its place as one of my favorite love scenes between two characters of all time. Also, sidenote, I LOVED Isabel. She really grew on me a lot. I don’t know if I’ll read the rest of the books in the series because I like where this book ended but I enjoyed reading it and am glad I did! 😀
Home Body by Rupi Kaur. I love her poetry so much, and that is why I own every collection she has ever put out. Her latest one does not disappoint. These poems fuel my soul and she has such a gift for letting her vulnerabilities loose and turning them into something beautiful and inspiring.
An Abundance of Katherines by John Green. This book was something I needed. Light, incredibly funny and surprisingly smart. I definitely felt my self going back to my high school days with all the parabolas, graphs, functions and equations interspersed throughout the book. All explained for the readers viewing of course. This book is a breath of fresh air and I’m here for it. So fitting for spring. I would read it again, and again especially for Hassan. Man he was so FUNNY! Hassan is the best friend to Colin Singleton, our main character, and throughout the story Colin questions the idea of mattering, and the overall moral he comes to at the end makes good sense. Also the romance was pretty cute too 😉
The Lives of Saints by Leigh Bardugo and illustrated by Daniel J. Zollinger. Leigh Bardugo is such a queen. Honestly. She is my writing goals. This book of essentially fairytale stories and religious legends is such a nice connection to the Grishaverse. I hope one day to make something as wonderful and lush and alive as her Grishaverse for my own writing and WIPs. The illustrations are also so, so, SO incredible. Truly, Mr. Zollinger is a gifted illustrator indeed. He captured the stories of the saints in such beautiful religious sovereignty vibes while still being approachable. I hope that makes sense, lol. If you love Leigh just read this too. That’s really the gist of what I have to say. Also guyssss SHADOW AND BONE ON NETFLIX IS ALMOST HERRREEEEEEEEEEEE!
Kuroko’s Basketball Vol. 2 by Tadatoshi Fujimaki.

What I’ll Be Writing:

Poetry- posted every Wednesday
Writing Is Hard | WIP Writing Update- posted in the middle of the month
Snapshot! Monthly Recap- posted the last day of every month
Announcements- posted as needed

If you want more information about any of the above, you can check out the About page on my site or just click here.

Marvelous Posts I Read in March:

Lauren @ bournemouthgirl “12 LITTLE WAYS YOU CAN BE MORE ORGANISED“
Mary Drover @ Mary and the Words “A Love Letter to Clary Fray“
Xandria “25 POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS TO START YOUR WEEK“
Gauri Walecha @ From the Quill “The Moon“

My Round Up of March Posts:

I’m ready for a new, fresh me and she is coming. I read so many books this month, I got a promotion, I want to be better. And I keep on walking to get there. I still have some bad habits of course but the more I work against them the better I feel and before long they will be gone completely from my life. That’s all we can really do as humans, right? Just keep trying to get better than who we were the day before. I know that with summer of the horizon I will try my hardest to make up for all the lost feelings and keep moving forward.

How did March feel to you guys? Doesn’t it seem, I don’t know, like an imaginary month sometimes?