I remember my window where I couldn’t see outside. Frost had touched from corner to corner as if ghosts had been peaking in through the night as they passed by.
I remember my breath as it became visible before my face. Sighing was all I could do to get through the daze my mind had fallen into from seeing too many gray days.
I remember my hands rubbed raw red and numb. No matter how I clenched them or how long I kept on the mittens they rarely thawed.
I remember the moment when that all changed.
I look out the window and the sky isn’t gray but bright, ocean blue. As if the sea had somehow floated into the air, and the fish turned to clouds of fluffy white cotton.
I look at the grass where for what seemed like years there had only been slush. I can see the concrete of the street with the sun glinting off and rushing away the memory of the black ice that was once underneath.
And I look at the tulips, just starting to peak up from their perches. Purple, red, orange, and yellow. Colors of a sunrise peaking over the world. I had forgotten in the long days of winter what color looked like. Until now.
Spring has finally come, and now I am awake.
(a collection of independent vignettes)
Morning and night, it is all the same.
Day in, night out. At sunrise, I don’t turn the light on. Sleep still has its hold on my eyes and even though my body is moving I feel like I’m still in a dream. Did I ever really wake up? The reflection in the mirror doesn’t answer. All she does is stare back at me as I pick up my toothbrush.
Day in, night out. At sunset, I turn the light on but sometimes… bad times… I leave the bathroom dark. I can taste the fluoride without needing to see. In those bad times, it’s too much to stare back at her. In the same spot again. She is always tired. Day in, night out. Always with traces of sleep leaving or coming. Exhaustion never leaves us alone.
I can’t speak for her but why don’t you leave me alone?
Is it because it’s pointless doing this same routine over and over? Does the other me know and that is why she tries to show me how tired I am? Do I work too hard? Or is it never enough? Is that sadness just wearing a disguise in the droop of her eyes?
Do you find me Exhaustion because I am alone?
Maybe I’m just tired of brushing my teeth. Everyday it’s all the same. Morning and night.
I’ve been sleeping
Is it really
but now light.
can’t be right?
You were there.
In a dream?
to my touch
in the next breath
I was alone.
I’ve been sleeping